


Derby, dates and dreams

by teaandsmut



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Dates, F/F, Fluff, I'm going for cute and fluffy, Makeouts, New Relationship, Roller Derby, There will be angst later, but not an au, but overall it's going to go well, past fat-shaming mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2018-12-04 10:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11552973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaandsmut/pseuds/teaandsmut
Summary: A tale as old as Last One Out of Beach City, here's some Mysterypearl! Featuring dates, roller derby, makeouts, stargazing and a wee bit of angst as Pearl struggles to figure some things out about herself in the process. I wanted to write some cute dating because lesbihonest, that episode was so relatable and I want more!Rated T, I'll write a separate E rated chapter at some point in case that's your thing.I like to know individual chapter lengths so here they are: Ch1 - 600, Ch2 - 3700, Ch 3 - 800, Ch 4 - 3700, Ch 5 - 1600, Ch 6 - 3800.My writing tumblr [nsfw].





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a multi-chapter fic that isn't centred around smut, so I hope I did a good job of it! I just love this pairing. 
> 
> British English spelling and grammar, but I think I changed terminology to American English.
> 
> I'd love to read comments! Enjoy!

Pearl stared between the phone in one hand and the scrap of paper in the other. 

“Aww, come on, Pearl! Just do it! She wants you to call her, what are you waiting for?” Amethyst hung backwards over the side of the sofa, exasperated at the time Pearl was taking to call the woman from the show. She had been the one to ask Vidalia to dig out an old phone and had pestered Pearl until she was finally on the brink of calling her.

“Oh, I don’t know. Are you sure that’s what she meant?” Pearl had been spurred on by a surge of confidence at the show, but now she wasn’t so sure she could continue to hold the interest of such a striking woman. She had worked how to interface with the basic human technology and typed in the number.

Amethyst groaned loudly then leapt up and snatched the phone from Pearl’s hand. “Amethyst! Give that back!” Pearl lunged at Amethyst and they scuffled as Amethyst held the phone away from her.

“Ooooh, I’m gonna do it!”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Oops! Too late!” Amethyst tossed the phone back to Pearl, who fumbled to catch it.

“Ah!” Pearl could already hear the phone ringing. Too late to hang up now.

“ _Talk to her_. Be your weird, nerdy self. She seemed to be into it.”

“Alright,” said Pearl, trying to compose herself. “You be quiet.” She held the phone up to her ear just in time for the call connecting.

“Hello?” said the low voice.

“Uh, hello! Is this Sheena? This is Pearl, we met at the... uh…” Oh great, what was the name of the musician performing at the show again? Pearl looked desperately at Amethyst, who was clutching her hands in front of her face with glee.

“Oh hey! I was wondering when you’d call. How’ve you been?” said Sheena.

“Oh, you know, rather stressed. We had to carry out an undercover mission to rescue our kidnapped friend –” Pearl began, before she spotted Amethyst signalling frantically to cut it out.

“Wow, you lead a dramatic life!” laughed Sheena.

“Yes, I guess I do. Um, how have you been?”

“I’ve been wondering why you haven’t messaged me,” said Sheena with a grin in her voice. Amethyst stared as she saw Pearl blush. “Kind of surprised you called, you know, on the phone. People usually text.”

“Oh, I – “ stammered Pearl. She knew this was a bad idea. She glared at Amethyst, who shrugged innocently.

“No, no, it’s refreshing; people don’t talk on the phone much these days.” Pearl made a mental note to get more up to date with current human conventions. “How would you like to hang out some time?” asked Sheena.

“That would be great!” said Pearl, lighting up with enthusiasm. Amethyst began dancing around the room, gyrating obscenely. Pearl rolled her eyes and turned away from her.

“Great! Do you like roller derby? There’s game on Saturday, we could go together.”

“I don’t know, but I’ll give it a try,” said Pearl, toying with the end of her sash. She wasn’t sure what roller derby was but she was determined to try some new things in her bid to keep moving forward.

“I’ll text you the details. I should get back to work, I snuck out to take your call. See you Saturday!”

“I’ll be there!” Pearl stood and once again stared at the phone in her hand, rather bewildered by the experience. Amethyst surprised her with a tight hug from behind.

“YES! Go, P!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sheena and Pearl get to know each other over tea and roller derby. Sheena is definitely a derby skater!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spot the references in the derby names/numbers/league names etc.! Some people skate using their own name too.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this! As always, I'd love to hear if you enjoyed my first go at non-smut.

Pearl gripped the steering wheel of the Dondai as she drove through the countryside. This was a good thing, she told herself. She was pushing her boundaries. She needed a change.

She tried to recall the directions included in Sheena's message confirming their date. A date! She had never imagined herself doing such a thing. What if she was late? Surely not, she had left far earlier than necessary to make it on time. What if she was too early? Was that a problem?

Pearl chastised herself for creating new anxieties when she had plenty already. What if Sheena was simply bored by her, for example? She worried again that she couldn’t live up to the confident persona she had projected at the show.

“What am I even doing?” said Pearl, aloud to herself. “Going out with a human, albeit a particularly intriguing one; this isn’t me.” Pearl noticed that she had pulled up at the same crossroads at which she had gone through the red light to impress Sheena that night, this time duly waiting. “See? It was just a momentary blip.”

But Pearl caught herself grinning as she remembered seeing Sheena smile at her from her bike, looking so confident and bold. “Fine! Maybe it is me after all,” said Pearl defiantly. “Who knows who I am anymore anyway?”

Several turns later, she reached the sports centre at the outskirts of Surf City. She was early. Pearl waited in the car and fussed over the hem of her top. Should she have worn human clothes? After going back and forth on the matter and trying on various items Amethyst conjured from her room, she had opted for her usual clothes but now she was unsure. She hoped Sheena would find her interesting as herself and felt a thrill of nerves as she sat watching the mostly empty car park. She had barely spoken with her at the show, but Sheena's open confidence had made her feel as if life was full of possibilities for adventure. It was a strange experience to feel excited about something that was just for her. She almost couldn’t believe this situation she had created and her nerves blurred into a fizzing excitement in her chest as she thought about being near this new, colourful person she felt so drawn to.

The parking lot was starting to fill up and several human carrying bulky bags had gone into the centre. One had blue hair! Humans had so much more variety than she had realised. A flicker of panic resurfaced as she once again began to question what she was doing here but this was quickly overridden by a jolt when she spotted Sheena’s pink hair beneath her helmet as she pulled in to the parking lot.

Pearl watched for a moment as Sheena parked her bike and went to stand near the entrance to the sports centre, skimming through her phone. A few people passing by on their way in stopped to speak with her and Pearl saw Sheena laugh with them. She was so self-assured! “I bet she never forgets how to speak,” said Pearl under her breath, blushing as she remembered knocking over the coffee cups when she had first tried to talk to Sheena.

Eventually, Pearl summoned her courage and left the anonymous safety of the car. As she marched over to Sheena, she reminded herself that she had fought a thousand year war: she could handle one date with a human. It did little to calm her nerves. 

“Um, hello, Sheena,” said Pearl, feeling herself stand unnecessarily upright. 

“Oh hey, Pearl!” Sheena gave an easy smile as she looked up from her phone. “Glad you found the place.”

“Well I, uh...” Why couldn’t she think of anything to say? Sheena was wearing a black sleeveless top this time, with ‘ECRD’ in red and white letters across it, her pink hair and deep skin tone seeming even more vibrant against it.

Sheena laughed. “Hey, it’s OK. Don’t let this lot intimidate you,” she said, gesturing at the growing number of tattooed and pierced humans with an ever increasing range of hair colours, “I'll look out for you. But they're lovely really.”

Pearl laughed in relief at Sheena’s misinterpretation of her nervousness. “Oh, I think I could handle them,” said Pearl, grinning.

Sheena looked Pearl up and down. “I bet you could, you look like the determined sort.” She held her arm out to Pearl. “Shall we?”

Pearl took her arm and they walked into the noisy interior of the sports centre. As they walked through the hall, several people called greetings to Sheena and looked at Pearl with curiosity.

“I thought we could grab a drink before the game, we have some time,” said Sheena. “There’s a cafe down here somewhere, I think.”

“Sure... But, er,” began Pearl. Human dates seemed to be all about eating and drinking; why did she think she could do this? “I don’t drink.”

“That’s cool, I just meant a coffee though. I’m skating in the second game, gotta keep a clear head! I thought we could watch the first game together and then you can watch me kick some ass in the next game and be incredibly impressed,” said Sheena, looking down at Pearl with a playful smile.

Pearl felt herself blush and saw Sheena look surprised at the blue in her cheeks. “That sounds great!” Pearl laughed nervously. Could she manage to drink something? She thought of the liquid sloshing around inside her and paled at the idea. “But what I meant is that I don’t drink any fluids at all.” 

“Huh?”

Pearl knew there was no option but to explain. As fast as she could, she blurted out, “I am a member of a species originating in a galaxy many light years from here. My body is an manifestation of light sustained by my gem; I do not require further sustenance.” 

Sheena’s eyes widened in surprise as she stopped in her tracks. “You’re from space?”

“Yes.”

“You’re an alien?”

“That’s correct.” Pearl was worried now. She was never usually concerned about the reactions of humans to her unusual nature, and the citizens of Beach City certainly seemed unperturbed by it, but now that she was faced with losing the esteem of this woman she felt suddenly aware of how bizarre it might sound.

“So all that stuff about saving my planet and my species wasn’t a line?” asked Sheena. Pearl shook her head. Sheena frowned in concentration and was silent for a moment. “Anything else?”

“I'm thousands of years old?”

Sheena looked dazed. She looked at Pearl, her expression turning thoughtful as she considered her. Pearl waited anxiously for a response. “This is your gem?” asked Sheena, gesturing towards Pearl's forehead.

“Yes. It’s the source of my being and powers.”

Sheena gave a short laugh. “That’s pretty awesome. I thought it was some badass dermal implant but this is even better.” She seemed to collect herself. “Alright, I think I'm good with you being a super-hot alien from space,” said Sheena, her face serious. She could only hold it a second before laughing at Pearl's confusion. “Oops, did I say that out loud?” said Sheena, smiling widely and bumping the side of her hips against Pearl.

“Oh! Haha!” said Pearl, blushing furiously.

“Come on then, let’s go. You don't have to drink anything. Probably best for you to stay away from beverage cups altogether!” 

Pearl groaned and covered her face with her hands as Sheena laughed and lead them into a sparsely decorated cafe.

“Sorry it's not somewhere more fancy,” said Sheena, ruffling her hair awkwardly. “Would you like some herbal tea? They always smell gorgeous but usually taste disappointing, maybe you'd enjoy the smell?”

“Uh, sure,” said Pearl. It hadn’t occurred to her that she could enjoy other aspects of food and drink before; the ‘food’ Amethyst ate did not seem to warrant any closer scrutiny.

Pearl waited at a scruffy table while Sheena fetched their drinks, fidgeting with her fingers. She still couldn’t quite believe that she was here. Was this how she should be spending her time when she should be protecting Steven? But she forgot her concern as Sheena returned, surprising Pearl with her striking presence once again.

“I got you white tea with orange blossom; their herbal teas all looked a bit sweet for you.”

“I’m not sweet?” Pearl wasn’t sure if there was a criticism in there somewhere.

Sheena blushed. “Oh, no! That’s not what I meant! You seem more complex, so I wanted to get something which suited you. Take the tea bag out soon, it’ll turn bitter otherwise.”

Pearl smiled wryly at that. “I guess I _am_ complex...”

Sheena took a sip of her coffee while Pearl held the cup up, closed her eyes and inhaled. A sweet and delicate aroma filled her senses, washing away all other thoughts and worries. 

“It’s good then?” she heard Sheena ask, as if from a distance.

“Huh? Oh! Yes, it’s beautiful,” replied Pearl. She felt herself blush again at having been so carried away and blushed all the more as she tried to supress it. “Thank you. I had no idea tea could smell so… intricate.”

As Pearl forgot about her fear of not being interesting enough, they fell into easy conversation. Sheena spoke animatedly about show they had met at, recounting amusing details of the revelling which had gone on into the night long after Pearl and Amethyst had to take Steven home. 

“Did you have a good time too? There’s just something about live music, makes you feel alive, you know?”

Pearl wasn’t sure how to respond; the highlight for her had been meeting Sheena but she wasn’t sure she’d liked the loud music at the show, though Amethyst and Steven seemed to. “I do like the way humans use art to express themselves – the singer certainly was expressive!” she said, taking in her tea’s aroma again. 

“Right? I love writing music with my band, really helps me work though stuff. You should come see me sometime! I mean, if you want. We sometimes play in the bar I work at, over in Bayburg.”

“Oh, sure!” said Pearl, as if she spent a lot of time watching bands play in bars.

They spoke about their friends after Sheena asked about Amethyst and Steven. Pearl spoke admiringly about Garnet and fondly of Steven. She even spoke happily about Amethyst, who cheered Pearl up more than she usually let on. Still trying to look to the future rather than the past, Pearl stuck to describing their current life bringing up Steven and defending humanity from the ongoing threats from Homeworld rather than her long history on Earth.

“Woah, so you’re like superheroes!” said Sheena, leaning forward and resting her chin on her hands.

“Those humans in comic books with their underwear on the outside of their clothes? Oh please, we’re much more impressive than that!” said Pearl, with dramatic dismissiveness. She laughed as she caught sight of Sheena’s rapt expression, pleasantly surprised to see Sheena so fascinated by her. 

Sheena described friends, colleagues and teammates, illustrating a life filled with love and community. She didn’t describe her life beyond the last decade or so and Pearl was reminded of the differences in the time scales of their lives. She wondered how Rose dealt with this and was thrown off for a moment as she wished she could ask her. This was followed by the oddly comforting realisation that she simply missed her right now, rather than being caught up in the tanged emotions she usually associated with Rose, and she smiled to herself.

“So what’s the deal with you guys? You all live together and look after the kid and…” asked Sheena, twisting one of her earrings. “Jeez, I’m not sure if you even do that.”

“Do what? Oh!” said Pearl, clearing her throat. “Yes, I am – how should I put it… intimately involved with the other Gems.”

“Gotcha,” replied Sheena, with a wink.

“We don’t really have a concept of monogamy where we’re from. Or much of a concept of acceptable affectionate relationships at all for that matter. I, uh, I realise humans today can have some rather strict rules about that. I hope that’s not a problem…”

“No, no, that’s cool. I’m pretty chill about most stuff, as long as people are honest and genuine I’m fine. I can see why they can’t resist a cutie like you!” said Sheena, flashing another confident grin. This time, Pearl managed not to blush in response and gave an equally confident grin back.

* * *

“Oh shoot,” said Sheena, looking at her phone after losing track of time as they chatted, “we’ll have missed the first half. We’d better head along to the hall if we’re going to catch the second half.”

They walked through the sports centre towards the sound of blasting whistles and cheering crowds, Sheena’s hand on Pearl’s lower back. “Have you ever seen roller derby before?” asked Sheena.

“No, I’m not very familiar with Earth’s sports.” 

“It’s awesome! Ooh, I’m excited to show you. I can explain how it works for you.”

As they entered the hall, a booming voice called out over a loudspeaker system. “And up next to jam for Smaqua Town is number seven-three, Lilith Butler! Against her is number four, Phoenix Roller Derby’s Gabrielle Davis!”

“I’m really glad to see Ocean Town’s league back up and running,” said Sheena, guiding Pearl to some free seats in the crowded bleachers overlooking the hall. Lines taped to the ground marked out an oval track around which people wearing roller skates seemed to be alternately skating and hitting each other with their bodies, protected by helmets and pads at their joints. 

Pearl felt briefly overwhelmed by the music, whistles from skaters wearing striped tops skating outside the track boundaries, cheers from the crowd and commentary from the announcer. Sheena noticed Pearl’s nerves and put her arm around her, shrinking Pearl’s world back to Sheena smiling down at her and nothing else. Pearl beamed back at her, shifting a little closer into Sheena’s side. She caught herself glancing down at Sheena’s metal-adorned lips. Looking back up, her eyes met Sheena’s and she felt caught there for a moment before quickly turning to face the game, startled once again by Sheena’s intensity.

“So, uh, how does this game work then?” asked Pearl, glancing back at Sheena.

Sheena continued to grin at Pearl for a moment, raising an eyebrow answering calmly before speaking. “Alright, so: the game is split into short plays that can last up to two minutes, called jams. In each jam, four players from each team line up in that section,” she gestured to a straight section of the track. “They’re called blockers. And a jammer from each team lines up behind them. The jammers are the ones with a star on their helmet cover, they’re the point scorers. When the jam starts, the jammers try to get through the pack – that’s what the group of blockers is called, they have to stay kind of near each other – and the blockers try to stop them using their bodies. Once a jammer gets through, she can start scoring points by skating around the track and getting past the opposing team’s blockers again, one point per blocker passed. The first jammer out of the pack at the start is called the lead jammer and she can signal to end the jam before two minutes is up if she wants, usually to stop the other jammer scoring points. The team with the most points at the end of the game wins. Make sense?”

“Yes, I think I understand. So that’s why they keep hitting into each other, the jammer is trying to get past and the blockers are trying to stop her?”

“Yep, and sometimes blockers will hit the other team’s blockers to try to clear a path for their jammer. But only legal hits, they can’t trip up anyone or hit them with their elbows or forearms. If they do then the refs, in the black and white tops, send them off to serve out penalty time.”

“Interesting,” said Pearl. She found human sports very strange – all that activity and effort but to what end? Gems had fighting arenas, but the fights which took place in them had mainly served as a demonstration of the Diamond Authority’s strength and brutality. “So they hit each other, and it looks like it hurts sometimes,” said Pearl, as a skater took a hit and went flying off the track, “but they’ve all agreed to this? It’s enjoyable?”

“Yeah! It’s a pretty friendly sport,” replied Sheena. A new jam was starting and the two opposing jammers seemed to share a joke before waiting for the starting whistle.

“O-K…” said Pearl, not sure she quite understood but keen to learn more about this human activity. Why did they do it? It certainly seemed exciting though. Pearl flushed with pleasure as Sheena squeezed her closer. She still felt surprised that she was actually here. Pearl looked around at the crowd, many of them tattooed and pierced and dyed, admiring their ability and willingness to modify their forms to suit themselves.

Sheena took her arm back from around Pearl as collective gasp from the crowd brought their attention back to the track. Sheena continued to explain details of the game to her as they watched jammers slam into walls of blockers, sometimes feinting and leaping around and sometimes bashing through using sheer strength, blockers tussling to gain the best position and skaters occasionally falling to the floor or careening off-track after a powerful hit.

Pearl was surprised at the range of athletes taking part, each contributing their own particular strength to their teams. Gem fighters tended to be large and solid, or at least sturdily built, and human athletes seemed to be uniformly built, lean and muscled. These teams included women who were both muscular and fat, using their physicality to be impassable blockers, short skaters who easily darted through gaps in walls to score points and even very slim-limbed, highly agile skaters who used their bodies skilfully to hold back much larger opponents.

Pearl was very aware of Sheena’s presence next to her, feeling her arm touching hers and keenly aware of the distance between their hands. She couldn’t help glancing at Sheena every few minutes. When Sheena eventually caught her, she smiled her easy smile once again. “Are you having fun? Are you enjoying the game?”

“Yes!” said Pearl. “It is rather exciting. Some of the tactics are rather ingenious. They really know how to use their bodies effectively.”

“Is that something you know a lot about, huh?” said Sheena, giving Pearl a knowing look before smirking at Pearl’s blush. “You look sweet when you blush; I’d like to see more of that…” Sheena bit her lower lip and raised her eyebrows before laughing as Pearl’s blush deepened. “OK, OK, I’m just teasing you! I have to head off to get my kit on for my game now, would you like to stay to watch?” Pearl nodded weakly. “Awesome! I’ll find you after.”

After Sheena left, Pearl cursed herself for being so taken aback by Sheena’s suggestive attentions. She’d just been taken by surprise, she told herself, resolving to be bolder next time.

Soon, the current game ended and a new set of skaters appeared on the track to warm up. Sheena was among them, now wearing skates, pads and a helmet over her bright hair. She waved across to Pearl who waved back enthusiastically. The crowd quietened down as the track emptied in preparation for the game to begin.

“Let’s hear it for Surfragette City Roller Derby!” shouted the announcer, before introducing each skater by name and number as they skated around the track to cheers from the crowd. Sheena’s team took to the track for their introductions. When the announcer reached, “Number seven-seven, Punk Blocker!” and Sheena waved to the crowd to identify herself, Pearl leapt up to cheer for her.

The game began and Pearl watched Sheena as she held back the opposing team’s jammer, sometimes alone and sometimes in formations with her teammates. Occasionally Sheena resisted a hard hit or cleared a line of formidable opposing blockers to make way for her own jammer and Pearl gasped in amazement at her strength. Sheena was so powerful, sweeping in low for hits with her hips. Pearl shifted in her seat as she stared.

The score was close, though Pearl barely noticed with her eyes on Sheena, and the game was ultimately won by the other team. Sheena and her teammates cheered and hugged each other, smiling and excited despite not winning the game, before the two teams met in the middle to shake hands and hug, thanking and congratulating each other. Pearl was intrigued to watch the display of mutual encouragement within the competitive context.

As the crowd began to disperse, Sheena skated over, looking around for Pearl. She spotted her after Pearl stepped down from the bleachers to stand before her.

“What did you think?” asked Sheena, beaming widely and shining with sweat.

“You were amazing!” said Pearl, clapping her hands together.

“Thanks,” said Sheena, looking down and rubbing her shoulder awkwardly. “So, uh, you want to do this again sometime? Maybe go somewhere you like?”

“You’re on,” said Pearl. “I have to go now,” she said, thinking that she should get back to look after Steven, “but this has been so much fun.” She took Sheena’s hand from her shoulder and stepped towards her, inwardly shaking but projecting confidence. Sheena looked up in surprise and Pearl kissed her, pressing her lips against Sheena’s. Her skin tasted salty with sweat but her mouth was sweet and hot as their tongues flicked briefly together. Sheena still looked surprised as they broke apart to wolf whistles and shouts from Sheena’s teammates. “You look sweet when you blush too,” said Pearl. She turned and walked away, looking back briefly to smile at Sheena, who remained motionless as if in shock, staring after Pearl with a dazed half-smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idea for smelling tea from Questionable Content: [here](http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3146) and [here](http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3147).
> 
> Edit: As I was drifting off to sleep one night after posting this, I woke up with the realisation that at no point did I mention where Sheena's derby kit appeared from. How did it get to the venue? It's a lot of stuff to carry. I could have edited in her lugging a bag around, but in the end I decided that she probably leaves her kit with one of her teamies to save her having to carry it on her bike. So that's that. I'm sure none of you were losing any sleep over that, but there you go!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter of Pearl and Greg, because it makes my heart happy.

“What on Earth should I say?! I just have no idea,” said Pearl, pacing back and forth along the beach, trying in vain to think of something to suggest for her next date with Sheena. Amethyst wriggled her feet under the pile of sand Garnet was burying her beneath. “Maybe I should cancel… I’m not cut out for this.”

“Sure you are!” said Amethyst, now buried up to her neck. “Just go somewhere you can eat a bunch of stuff; that’s what I like to do when I hang out with humans.” Pearl glared at her. “Oh yeah, maybe not.”

“Garnet?” said Pearl, looking hopeful. “Any ideas? You know about this relationship stuff.”

“We don’t date. We simply exist together,” said Garnet as she compacted sand down around a gleeful Amethyst.

Pearl felt exasperated. How would she figure out how to do this? Humans were so different to them. But after the exhilaration of their first date she wanted to spend more time with Sheena; she had to find a solution. If Amethyst and Garnet couldn’t help her… Then the answer came to her. With an exclamation, she turned and ran along the beach towards the town.

* * *

Pearl found Greg rooting around in the back of his van.

“Aha, gotcha!” said Greg, clutching a soggy-looking pizza box. “Oh, hi Pearl,” he said, hurriedly throwing the box into the waiting trash bag. “Having a bit of a clear out, you’d be impressed.”

“Oh, that’s good…” said Pearl, neatly sidestepping the bag. She stood awkwardly.

Greg looked out from inside the van. “Er… Are you OK?”

Pearl pressed her fingertips together. “I would like to ask your advice.”

“ _My_ advice? Sure, I’ll help if I can.”

“I, uh, I wanted to ask you about human dating.”

“What?!” said Greg. “Oh! With the woman you went to see when you borrowed my car? How did it go?” Pearl couldn’t help smiling at the mention of Sheena. “Pretty well, I take it?” Greg grinned and climbed over to sit at the back door of the van.

“Yes, I suppose it did. But Sheena suggested I choose our next date and I… I just don’t know what to do. I don’t really understand dating.”

“Hm, I don’t know how much help I’ll be with that, but I’ll give it a go. Well, a lot of human dating involves food, but I guess that won’t work for you.” Greg paused for a moment, thinking. “I suppose the main thing is to get to know each other.”

Pearl looked to the side. “What would she want to know about me?”

“Come on, Pearl! I’m sure there’s lots of things she’d like to learn about you. She obviously wants to see you again.”

“So I should tell her facts about myself?” Pearl looked sceptical. “I’m not sure that would be conducive to her liking me.”

“No, that’s not it… Huh, this is more difficult to explain than I thought. You have to show her something about who you are. Maybe try sharing something you like doing.”

Pearl thought about things she liked. Spending time with Steven, organising her room, chores... None of these sounded like suitable dating activities.

Greg watched Pearl puzzling through her options. “How about something to do with space?” he said. “Wait, but don’t try taking her up there or anything!” he quickly added.

“I do enjoy looking at the stars.” Pearl smiled as she glanced upwards.

“That sounds perfect! You should go stargazing.”

“Do you think so?”

“Yeah! You could go to my jamming spot, it’s just outside Beach City,” said Greg, jumping up. “I’ll give you directions, it’s kind of hidden.”

Pearl wrapped her arm around her waist while she thought, resting her chin on the other hand. She could show Sheena some of the star systems visible from Earth; perhaps she would even be impressed by Pearl’s knowledge. And it would be nice to be with her somewhere more private than their previous encounters. “Alright!” she said, looking up determinedly. “I’ll do it. I’ll contact her right now.”

“Great!”

Pearl considered Greg for a moment, this man who had been the focus of so much of her pain but whose consistent kindness and well-meaning actions she had until recently struggled to acknowledge. A surge of affection sent her lunging forward to throw her arms around him. Taken aback, Greg only had time to carefully return her hug for a moment before she sprang back again, surprised at herself.

Pearl hurriedly took out her phone. “Wish me luck,” she said, smiling nervously back at Greg. “Thank you, Greg.”

“You’re welcome, I’m glad I could help,” said Greg as Pearl turned to leave. “Oh, and Pearl?”

“Yes?”

“I’m really happy for you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl and Sheena go stargazing. Things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a wee bit of research on astronomy for this, but if anything I wrote is glaringly incorrect, let me know and I'll fix it!

The sky was a rich, dark blue in the twilight as Pearl once again paced along the beach in front of the house as she waited for Sheena. The telescope lay on the ground nearby, in preparation for the evening of stargazing they had planned.

“Why am I still so nervous? It went well last time.” Pearl was still fretting about seeing Sheena. She wanted to spend time with her, she was enjoying the spark and excitement of being with her. But where did she fit into Pearl’s life, what did it mean for who Pearl was? Pearl tried to tell herself that enjoying someone’s company was reason enough to spend time with them, but this somehow didn’t seem sufficient. How would she know if this was who she was? Trusting her own instincts didn’t seem enough. She had enough affection in her life already, why was she risking confusing herself further by seeing Sheena? Was this just her nervousness about Sheena finding her interesting manifesting in a new way? Pearl groaned and clenched her fists, cursing herself for her thoughts. Why couldn’t she be sure about this? She knew her concerns didn’t make sense, Sheena seemed perfectly entertained by her last time. Pearl grinned briefly as she remembered the look on Sheena’s face when she left, before resuming her worrying.

Before Pearl could rationalise herself out of her date, Sheena came into view along the beach, her motorcycle growling, and Pearl’s concerns were quickly outweighed by the thrill of anticipation of being near Sheena again. She could trust this feeling, surely. 

Pearl waved enthusiastically at the approaching bike then decided that seemed rather eager and brought her arm sharply back to her side. She tried not to stare as Sheena pulled up in front of Pearl, pulled her helmet off and flipped her hair out of her face.

“Hey, Pearl!” Sheena smiled broadly. “Hello…?” She waved her hand in front of Pearl’s face.

“Oh! Hello!” Pearl blushed as she realised she had failed at not staring. “Er… you found your way here alright? What am I talking about, of course you did, you’re here on time – ” Pearl continued rambling nervously for a few moments but stopped when she saw Sheena holding in her laughter.

“Aw, come here you,” said Sheena as she pulled Pearl towards her. She held Pearl at the waist and kissed her square on the mouth for a long moment. “Been thinking of doing that all week,” she said to a now starry-eyed Pearl. “Among other things...” Pearl grinned. “Aw, no blush yet? I’ll have to try harder to get some colour in your cheeks.”

“I look forward to it.” Pearl felt a little braver as she felt the pull of Sheena’s magnetism.

Sheena smiled as she considered Pearl. “So. Where's this place we’re going then?” she asked, putting her helmet back on. 

Pearl recited Greg's directions and felt her confidence falter a little as she began to wonder if Sheena would be sufficiently interested in stargazing, now that the date she had planned was actually happening. As she trailed off, she found herself briefly absorbed by way Sheena's bright hair wisped and curled out from beneath the helmet. The oddest details about Sheena kept catching Pearl’s eye and she wondered why she was letting herself get so carried away. She so rarely made changes for herself, what kind of basis were intriguing details like this for forming new, probably frivolous attachments? 

Sheena interrupted Pearl’s internal debate about whether or not to trust her intuition. “Come on then, here’s your helmet, jump on – we’ve got some stars to see!” Sheena threw the spare helmet to Pearl, who returned Sheena’s flashed grin as she caught it, confidence in her desire to spend time with Sheena rapidly returning once more. Pearl slung the telescope over her shoulder and put the helmet on. “Are you going to be OK on the bike? It can be bumpy. ”

“Oh, this isn’t my first time on a motorcycle,” said Pearl, phasing into her form-fitting space suit, thinking that it would be better not to risk catching the end of her sash in the bike’s wheels. She deliberately allowed Sheena a brief, open-mouthed stare before climbing on and putting her hands to Sheena’s waist, secretly pleased at her reaction.

Sheena laughed, recovering quickly. “I should have guessed that, after seeing your wild driving ways! You won’t mind a bit of speed then,” said Sheena with a sly backwards glance as she put the bike into gear and span in an arc, spraying a fan of sand and causing Pearl to quickly tighten her grip, before speeding off along the beach.

Despite the seemingly reckless start, Sheena rode smoothly and Pearl began to feel the swell of exhilaration as she watched the countryside fly by. The feel of Sheena beneath her hands as she held on was strangely intimate as they were surrounded by the rush of air and the roar of the engine. As the sped along the roads, Pearl set her jaw determinedly. Yes, this could be who she was now: someone who enjoyed flying wildly and joyously though the countryside, with a person whom she liked for no other reason than that she simply enjoyed her company, to look to space with nothing but awe and admiration. Pearl clung tighter to Sheena and resolved to leave her doubts behind.

The sky had darkened enough to allow the first stars to show by the time they reached the gap in the trees Greg had described. Pearl tapped Sheena’s shoulder and she turned through the gap, driving up the slope. Sheena's hair brushed Pearl’s face as they took their helmets off.

“Woah, nice. Great spot!” said Sheena as they looked out over the dark bay, Beach City sparkling to one side. Pearl silently thanked Greg for the suggestion.

Pearl climbed off the bike and Sheena looked up just in time to see her shift back into her usual outfit. “That’s amazing, how do you do that?” asked Sheena.

“Well, my body is made of light ordered according to my determination, using my gem. I can choose to alter my form’s appearance.”

“That’s so awesome. So you can have any outfit?”

“Within reason, yes.”

“Got any, you know, _fun_ ones?” Sheena grinned hopefully.

“Ha! You won’t make me blush that easily. I was just nervous last time. But perhaps I do, you’ll have to wait and see.”

Sheena laughed. “Tease!” Pearl scoffed, playing at being affronted, before being unable to hold in her own grin.

Pearl kneeled to set up the tripod and telescope, still smiling to herself. Sheena sat down next to her, leaning back on her hands as she looked up at the sky.

“I don’t know anything about stars. I mean, I like looking at them, but I don’t even know the constellations.”

“Oh, those are just stories humans make up to try to make sense of a vast universe they can’t begin to comprehend,” said Pearl, adjusting telescope and peering through the eyepiece. “There! Have a look at this!”

Sheena sat cross-legged and looked up at the spot Pearl had positioned the telescope on. “Wow, pretty! It looks more like a cloud than a star.”

“It’s not really a star; it’s a nebula, where stars are made.”

“Woah, that’s amazing.” Sheena sat back to look up at the whole sky again. She shifted over to sit closer to Pearl, who was scanning the sky for another interesting feature to show Sheena, oblivious to Sheena’s proximity.

“There it is!” Pearl adjusted the telescope again. “Look at this one, here.”

Sheena shuffled back to look through the telescope. “I didn’t know stars could be orange, that’s cool.”

“It is cool!” said Pearl, delighted to talk about the nuances of astronomical objects. “Well, relatively speaking. The surface is cooler than most stars. It’s at a later stage in its life cycle. In fact, some of the galaxies you can see now have stars that actually died long ago but they are so many light years away that their light is still arriving at Earth.”

“Huh, weird thought. It’s so awesome that you know this stuff.”

“Oh, well, I guess,” said Pearl, glad that Sheena didn’t catch her blushing at the compliment. “I’ve actually visited some of these star systems, so I guess I have an advantage.” Sheena sat back down next to Pearl. “Do you see that diagonal smudge over there? It’s a galaxy I visited a long time ago. Gem technology can outpace light, so when I arrived here on Earth light was still arriving here from stars in that galaxy that were no longer there when I visited. Right now we are seeing stars in that galaxy that don’t exist anymore. We’re looking at the past.” Pearl hugged her arms around herself and Sheena put an arm around her, pulling her in close as they looked up at the star-filled sky above them. Time passed in a strange manner as they felt suspended in an stretched-out moment, aware of every contact between them and each other’s every minute movement, under the light from thousands and millions of years ago.

“Man, it just blows my mind that you’re really from space.”

Pearl paused for a second before pointing to a different are of the sky. “I’m from a galaxy over there, you can just see it above that bright star.”

Sheena nodded. “Do you ever go back there?”

“I can’t go back. I rebelled against the ruling authority.”

“Woah, what? You just get more awesome all the time! What happened?”

Sheena caught Pearl’s blush this time as she lit up at the praise. Pearl recounted how she met Rose and joined her rebellion against Homeworld to protect the Earth and its inhabitants, breaking free from the confines of Homeworld’s authority after being inspired by Rose’s example. She gave some brief details of the war and how they had followed Rose until the devastating end. Feeling that she should complete the story, Pearl described how the remaining Crystal Gems stayed with their leader and continued her mission to protect the Earth, even after Rose gave up her form to have Steven.

Sheena listened quietly until Pearl seemed to run out of words. “Rose sounds like an impressive person.”

“She was. She inspired all of us. It has been difficult to know how to go on without her guidance, but I try to carry on according to her ideals.” Pearl looked back down at the ground, her uneasiness returning briefly.

“You sound like you’re more than capable of figuring out what to do. I’m so impressed, imagining you standing up to your rulers!”

Pearl brightened up again. “I was amazed at myself! I never thought I could do anything like that, breaking all the rules, fighting for a cause,” she said, looking up at Sheena and gesturing animatedly.

Sheena looked down at Pearl with a mischievous half-smile. “It’s kind of hot…”

“‘Kind of’?” Pearl twisted around to put her hands on the ground on either side of Sheena’s hips. “I’m an intergalactic criminal, I think I can convince you I’m more than ‘kind of’ hot.” Sheena leaned back on her hands and smirked. Pearl moved forwards, forcing Sheena back on to her elbows, and paused a few centimetres from Sheena’s face, holding her gaze.

“Go on then,” said Sheena, attempting to sound challenging but a breathy catch in her voice betrayed her.

Pearl moved her mouth a little closer to Sheena, who tipped her mouth towards Pearl in response. But Pearl paused for a second again and ran her fingers down the side of Sheena’s waist. Sheena gasped and closed her eyes involuntarily. This was the moment Pearl chose to kiss her, pressing her body as well as her mouth firmly against Sheena.

As they fell the remaining distance to the ground together, Pearl felt a rush of elation and desperate desire. Her mind was bombarded with suggestions of where she wanted to touch Sheena and her body seemed to have a mind of its own as their limbs became increasingly tangled in their attempts to press each other closer. 

After a few minutes of frenzied lips, tongues, hands, pressing thighs and rolling hips, Sheena moved to lie alongside Pearl and kissed her more slowly, more deliberately. Pearl’s skin tingled where Sheena stroked her and she fought the urge to grin and wriggle with pleasure as they explored and basked in each other. When they finally broke apart, Sheena held Pearl as they once again looked up at the stars, now seeming a little brighter.

They remained that way for some time, in content silence until Sheena remarked, “I still can’t wrap my mind around the idea that a whole authoritarian society is out there.”

“Yes… I sometimes find it hard to think of those still involved.”

“What was it like? Before you rebelled, I mean?”

“Well, pearls are a servant class, so I always and only did as I was instructed in order to serve the Diamond authority. Just a step out of line, a hesitation or a mistake was enough reason to shatter a pearl. I’m glad I made it out; the pressure was unbearable. If it wasn’t for Rose, I’d still be there.”

Sheena squeezed Pearl a little tighter. “I’m sure you’re not giving yourself enough credit. I kind of get what you mean though,” said Sheena. “I mean, it’s not at all the same and it’s on a much more minor scale,” she added hurriedly, “but I know what it’s like not to have much say in your own life. I’ve always had ‘problems with authority’. I hate having to do something or be someone because another person told me to.”

Pearl laughed. “I can’t picture you doing what you’re told for a second!”

“You’d be surprised.” Sheena sighed and spread her free arm back against the grass, staring up at the sky. “That’s why I moved to Bayburg, actually – it’s a pretty a laid back place, it’s somewhere I can completely be myself.”

“You didn’t always live there? Where were you before?”

Sheena hesitated. “I was at college upstate. It wasn’t my thing.”

“Why not?”

“It was my parents’ thing. They always wanted so much for me, they had my whole life planned out. Since I was a kid they made me do figure skating, I always had to be so perfect. I did like skating, I guess, but the whole thing wasn’t me. Then I started pre-law on a figure skating scholarship. There were all these things I was meant to be, but none of it was what _I_ wanted. Sorry, I don’t know if you want to hear all this…”

“No, go on,” said Pearl. She wanted to hear about how Sheena had come to be who she was now, so sure of herself. So unlike Pearl.

“OK. Well, I just couldn’t stay interested in my classes, and between them and training I had no time for myself. I wanted to create, to make music, to make friends, to live the way I wanted. To find out _what_ I wanted and who I was. I felt like there was all this life out there and that I was missing it. Then one day I was told I’d become ‘too fat’ to be a competitive figure skater, that I could lose my scholarship unless I lost weight. Even my body wasn’t my own to decide what to do with.” Sheena sat up and hugged her knees to her chest.

“That was when I decided it was time to live according to my own values. I know my parents meant well, they always had to struggle so much, they just wanted my life to be more secure. I really admired them in some ways, but it was time to create my own purpose in life.” Sheena looked up at the sky. “I quit school, moved to Bayburg, found a job, found an apartment share, built a life here, figured out who I am.”

“Wow. You’re so brave.” Pearl began to feel a little uneasy, despite her admiration of Sheena’s self-determination.

“I’m glad you see it that way. My parents were furious at the time. We still don’t really see eye to eye about it. They think I’m wasting my life working in a bar instead of having a ‘successful’ career and playing a sport which I don’t get paid for and which doesn’t bring them any glory. Ugh! They don’t understand though. The bar is a hub for Bayburg’s creative community, we put on open mic nights, shows, art exhibitions – it’s a social space where people come together to create and connect with each other.” Sheena turned to Pearl as she spoke faster. “I help run it and I love being part of it, supporting people to be creative. And roller derby is more than just a sport, the point of it isn’t fame and fortune. I can push myself to achieve things just for myself, in the way I want. It’s a whole community, I’m inspired and encouraged every day by the others around me and I do the same for them. And it’s just plain _fun_. I’ve been in Bayburg ten years now and I love the life I have there, and no one decided any of it for me. This is _my_ life so I’ve built it around _my_ values and goals, not anyone else’s.”

Pearl moved to sit up next to Sheena. “That’s wonderful. You’re so sure of yourself.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You are! You know who you are, you know what you want, you know what you believe in. You decided it all for yourself.” Pearl picked at the grass.

Sheena put her arm around Pearl and pulled her towards her playfully. “From what you told me, it sounds like you did too. You rebel, you.”

Pearl gave a small laugh. “I suppose so. But everything I did was because Rose believed in it. Maybe all my beliefs were hers.”

“Nothing wrong with being inspired by someone you admire, you can still become your own person.”

Pearl thought for a moment. “I’m not sure that I did. I was so certain of everything when Rose was around, I did everything for her.” Pearl couldn’t quite grasp her thoughts. “But in the last few years I have felt more and more unsure of myself, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You must have some of your own values though, you just need to figure out what they are,” said Sheena, gently.

Pearl tugged at the stalks of grass in front of her, trying to even out their asymmetric heights as if that would keep back the realisation tugging at the edge of her consciousness. Sheena had created her life according to her own goals, no one else’s. She had determined her own life direction. It had all come from her. Had any of Pearl’s own decisions come from herself? Had they really? Pearl focussed on her hands before her, now tightly gripping the tufts of grass. Since Rose had been gone, what had she become? She hadn’t discovered some hidden purpose of her own, it had always been about Rose. “No, I – I’m nothing on my own – ” said Pearl, repeating a familiar thought.

“That’s not true!”

Pearl continued without acknowledging Sheena, now barely hearing her words. “I could never make my own path on my own like that.” Pearl pulled away from Sheena and stood up. “I’m just not capable of it.”

“I’m sure you are, you don’t have to know everything straight away – ”

“No wonder I feel so lost now,” said Pearl, mostly to herself. It all made sense. The stars were spinning now. “I – ” Pearl stumbled as she took a step away from Sheena’s outstretched hand. What was she doing here? What part did Sheena play in her life here? This wasn’t why she was on Earth. Why was she on Earth? Everything felt clouded. She needed a direction, a leader; it was clear to her now that she couldn’t truly be her own guide. “I have to go.”

“What? Wait, it’s OK, we can talk about – ”

Pearl was suddenly desperate to get back to something she understood. She turned and ran.

She didn’t see the road or the fields or the fences as she sprinted blindly across the countryside. She closed her eyes as if to shut out the ideas which came to her. Reminding her that she was nothing on her own, that she would never be able to determine her own fate, she was only kidding herself that she was living her life for herself. At some point she heard the motorcycle’s engine and Sheena’s voice calling her. Pearl screamed back into the night to leave her alone.

Pearl ran and ran, trying to escape the swirling thoughts, until Sheena’s calling stopped and she found herself collapsed on beach outside the Temple.

* * *

The stars were disappearing as the sky above the horizon began to lighten by the time Pearl came back to her senses. She pushed herself up from the sand, stood shakily for a moment and wiped the tears from her face one last time before walking towards the Temple with deliberate steps.

She entered the house quietly, careful not to wake Steven, and stood for a moment in the dark room, making out the grey shapes of the furniture. Steven’s breathing was regular and soft. In the quiet, she accepted the idea she was always trying to prove wrong. This was what Rose wanted, for her to care for Steven and to carry on her work protecting life on Earth. This was what she knew, because it was someone else’s plan, someone who actually had the power and ability to make these decisions. Unlike Pearl. Her judgement about Sheena couldn’t be trusted, she was a distraction from the purpose she had been given.

Pearl felt eerily calm as she found her phone and typed out a message to Sheena.

“I can’t see you anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least I gave you some cute dating before it went pear-shaped!
> 
> I'm new at writing anything particularly emotional, so I'd love to hear if you liked it (or gentle advice of you have any suggestions!).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl and Sheena talk it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it has been so long since I updated this, here is a quick summary of what happened so far in case you need one:
> 
> Pearl worked up the courage to arrange to see Sheena, they went in a date to a derby game and Pearl was nervous but bold. Pearl asked Greg for advice about dating and then Pearl and Sheena went stargazing as their next date. After some lovely making out, Sheena told Pearl her life tale of breaking free from parental/world expectations and restrictions. This caused Pearl to realise something that had been nagging at her: that she didn't feel like she'd ever really been without a guide in her life and felt lost and unable to ever be as confident in herself and her decisions as Sheena is. Overwhelmed with this, Pearl ran off and told Sheena she couldn't see her anymore.

Pearl turned the small metal top hat over and over in her hands, unable to concentrate on the board game she was meant to be playing with Steven and the other Gems. She tried telling herself it was because she questioned the wisdom of basing a game on an aggressive form of capitalism that she had witnessed affecting human societies but she knew that, although it did concern her somewhat, this was not really what was preoccupying her.

In the couple of days that had passed since she had panicked and ran from Sheena, Pearl had calmed down and reconsidered how she felt about herself. She had reminded herself that she was her own gem and did not need someone to tell her what to do in every situation. She recalled that she knew she was capable of thinking for herself and responding in innovative ways to the challenges she was faced with. Pearl told herself that choosing not to see Sheena so that she could focus on teaching and protecting Steven was just such a decision; that it looked very much like doing exactly as she had done before meeting Sheena was surely just an indication that she had already been on the right track in her life. Nevertheless, Pearl did not feel particularly comforted by this thought.

There was a knock at the door. “Pearl. It’s for you,” said Garnet, without looking up from the stack of miniature money she was counting.

A little confused, Pearl went over to open the door and started when she saw Sheena standing there, holding the telescope.

Sheena frowned slightly. “Hey. I, uh, I figured I should return th – woah.”

Pearl turned to see what Sheena was staring at above her head and briefly saw Garnet looming behind her before being pushed out the door. Garnet quickly closed the door behind her. Pearl immediately tried the handle but found it already locked. “Garnet!” cried Pearl, tugging on the door. Garnet just shrugged before returning to the sofa. Steven and Amethyst were craning their necks to see what was happening. “Argh!” said Pearl, crossing her arms. “ _Fine_.” She spun around to face Sheena, intending to maintain a stoic demeanour but softening as she saw Sheena's apologetic expression.

“I wanted to return this, you left it behind when you... left,” said Sheena, holding out the telescope. Pearl looked away. “And I wanted to see if you were OK.”

Pearl opened her mouth to reply but could not find anything to say, so she closed it again and just looked up at Sheena uncertainly.

“I'm really sorry I upset you.”

Pearl sighed. “You didn’t upset me.”

“Do you want to talk about it? I mean, if you want me to back off, just say. I, uh, I’m told I can be too pushy. But you have all this lovely beach here, and walking and talking is good for the soul,” said Sheena, attempting a smile.

Pearl looked down at the small metal top hat she still held in her hand. “Alright.” She took the telescope from Sheena and placed it and the game piece carefully next to the door.

They walked for a few minutes in silence, the sea swishing up the shore as they passed around the head of land to the far side of the Temple. The bay beyond opened up before them, stretching across to the broad curve of land with a couple of weather-beaten buoys dotting the surface. Irregular patches of brightness and sparkle moved across dark water as light shone between heavy, broken clouds.

“It’s really beautiful out here,” said Sheena.

“Yes, it is.” Pearl looked across the bay; they could probably see the place they had been stargazing from here. “Sheena, I – I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left like that.”

“It’s OK.”

“No, it was very rude of me.”

“What happened back there? I thought you were enjoying yourself.”

“I was! But I just…” Pearl trailed off; every way of explaining how she felt sounded so irrational. 

Sheena touched her shoulder. “Hey, it’s OK.”

Pearl shrugged Sheena’s hand off and hugged her arms around herself. “Yes! It _is_ OK. I’ve… realised that I need to focus on protecting Steven and protecting the Earth. That’s what I have been doing all this time! I don’t know why I tried to do anything else.” Pearl laughed. “What was I thinking?!” She turned to Sheena, her eyes wide. “That’s what I’m supposed to do. It… doesn’t leave much room for dating humans though. I really am sorry I dragged you into my personal identity crisis.”

Sheena looked sceptical for a second before replying. “Bullshit.”

“What?”

“I think that’s bullshit. What you’re ‘supposed’ to do isn’t decided by someone already!”

“That’s not what I mean! _I_ decide what I do, I don’t belong to anybody,” said Pearl huffily. “But there’s no point in trying to make a whole new purpose on my own, trying to make a whole new me. This is fine. This is just fine.” Pearl drew herself up a little taller, walked a little straighter, arms still wrapped tightly around herself.

“Is that really all you want? Look at all you’ve done, think of what else you could do. You don’t have to be a whole new person, but you can keep learning what you want. You’re allowed you want something different.”

“No! I don’t! I can’t. What I want is to keep doing what I’m doing. I know who I am. I trust Rose’s guidance.” Pearl stopped walking and turned to look across the water, away from Sheena.

“That’s OK. That guidance can stay important to you if you want it to. But it doesn’t mean you can’t move forward. ”

“I can’t!”

“You can!”

“No!” Pearl gave a sob and dropped to sit on the ground, her head in her hands. She composed herself and continued quietly. “You don’t understand. I know I can’t.” 

“Why not?” Sheena sat down beside her and waited, listening to birds wheeling over the water. Pearl stared wearily across the bay in silence. When she eventually spoke again, her voice was flat.

“It’s as if… as if I had a mooring, an anchor, and that was my whole world. And then it was gone and I just drifted nearby for years. I’ve worked so hard to let go, to move on. I thought I could finally do it but I still can’t find my way on my own. I want to stay somewhere I understand, I need to…” Pearl pulled her knees to her chest and buried her head in her arms. “But there’s nothing there anymore and I’m still lost. I can’t stay and I can’t go.”

“OK…” Sheena thought for a moment. “But you can’t just drift there forever. At some point you will have to set out into the unknown before you’re swept away. You have to try some directions before that happens.”

Pearl looked up. “I did try! I wanted to be so cool, so outgoing since the night of the show. But I can’t keep it up. I tried to do something different, to take control, and I failed. So why should I trust myself, my feelings about anything, about you? I’ve done as much as I can, and that’s great, but now I should stick to what I know. It’s different for you – you’re so sure of yourself! You just seem to know what you want.”

“Yeah, _now_ I know that. But it’s taken a lot of wrong turns and soul-searching to figure it out. I’m still learning what I want, you’re always learning. This shit’s difficult!” Sheena frowned. “You don’t just get hit with a bolt of inspiration and suddenly you know exactly what you want from life, who you are, and that’s it sorted forever. You have to take risks, try things, try _more_ things, fuck up sometimes. You keep learning and growing and that’s how you find your way.” 

Pearl considered this for a moment before burying her face in her arms again. “I’m too scared.”

“Life is scary! You have to try things and you have no idea how they’ll turn out but you have to do it anyway. All the time. Again and again and again. But it’s the only way to find out what you want from life, in my experience at least. You have to risk crashing into obstacles and you’ll eventually work out your own map to guide you.”

“Sounds exhausting,” said Pearl, smiling weakly.

Sheena gave a half-smile in return. “Yeah, well. That’s life on Earth. Something it seems like you know a thing or two about, even if you seem to have forgotten for now.”

“Huh.”

“And don’t think you had me fooled with your showboating.” Sheena raised her eyebrows at Pearl, who looked somewhat abashed. “I’ve seen enough wannabe bad-asses to see through the pretence. You’re already the real deal. You can’t fail at that.” 

Sheena took a deep breath. “Look, are you really OK with your lot? ‘Cause if you are, that’s cool. I’ll let you get on with it.” When Pearl didn’t answer, Sheena continued. “But I’m not convinced that you are. You’ve let go of the, uh, what was it, your anchor? You know new things can be out there for you, but you have to trust yourself to find them. I can’t be your guide, it has to come from you, but I can help you if you want. I really hope that whatever you decide to do might involve seeing me again but, either way, to understand what you want you have to keep going into the unknown.” Sheena touched Pearl’s shoulder again; this time Pearl didn’t shrug her off but closed her eyes and pressed her lips together.

Sheena stood. “I think I should leave you to work this out. Are you going to be OK here?” Pearl nodded, her face expressionless. “Alright. You know how to get in touch if you need to talk.” With that, Sheena turned to walk back along the beach. Pearl watched her go.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! Sheena's band is playing at the bar she runs. Enjoy :)

The bar had begun to fill up. Combat boots, size ten heels and neat brogues all stuck alike to the murky floor as the clientele arrived in the small, dark room. A mix of quirky murals and band night posters adorned the breezeblock walls. Chipped paint marked the places on the bathroom doors where gendered signs had been prised off, replaced with casually spray-painted words indicating which types of bathroom facilities were behind each door. A buzz of chatter rose as people found friends, ordered drinks at the haphazard-looking bar and mingled in the sparse rectangular space.

Sheena was helping to set up the stage area where she and a few other local bands would be playing. She glanced up from the cables she was taping to the floor and saw people chatting and smiling, friends of hers among them, bringing to life the room that looked run-down and shabby in the light of day. These people were what this place was really made of, after all; it was more than the edge-of-town shack that merely housed them for the evening. Sheena tried to recall what had it been before she and her friends took over the lease. Some kind of derelict storage warehouse? Not that it mattered now. Sheena balanced on one foot to flick a switch high on the wall, her body automatically pulling taut in a familiar way remembered from her figure skating days, before crouching to pick up a heavy box of equipment. She felt the strength through her thighs as she lifted it, strong these days from her roller derby training, not developed for aesthetics but for a meaningful, powerful function. Sheena could not help smiling to herself as she was reminded of these parts of the life she had built for herself: her body the way she wanted; working in a creative space she had helped to make; and the people she felt lucky to have as friends.

Sheena’s smile turned rueful as she remembered that it was this confidence that had caused Pearl to feel doubtful of herself in comparison. Sheena sighed and checked her phone for the dozenth time. She hadn’t heard from Pearl since they last spoke. Other than being unable to resist texting her the details of tonight’s gig in the hope that she would show up, Sheena had been trying to give Pearl some space; she felt like she had pushed her enough. 

“Ugh!” Sheena the edge of the raised stage area in exasperation. She felt for Pearl, she really did, but it was difficult to stand by while Pearl struggled. What Pearl was going through was so familiar to Sheena. So _obvious_. Pearl didn’t think she could trust herself to move in any new directions without a guiding hand, apparently having reached the limit of her self-belief. And somehow was unable to realise how many of the necessary abilities she already had, dismissing the steps she had already taken. Why was that? Pearl had explained some of her difficult history but Sheena had the impression that she had told a lighter, edited version. Whatever the reason, Sheena was sure that Pearl was capable of finding that which her life seemed to be missing, if only she could leave her current comfort zone. It was so frustrating to see Pearl hold back – it reminded Sheena too much of her former self, dissatisfied and afraid in the time before she built up the courage to strike out on her own, beyond the safety and confinement of her parents’ plans for her. But Sheena pushing her into anything would defeat the object. And worse, it would probably only reinforce Pearl’s recurring idea that she needed someone to show her the way. She knew that Pearl had to decide what she wanted on her own.

For her own part, Sheena wished Pearl would decide that building a life beyond what she currently knew was something she did want and could do. Not least because Sheena really wanted to see her again. Pearl was so intriguing! Pearl seemed to think the same about Sheena, but Pearl had overcome what seemed like some fucked-up social engineering – the glimpses of the strength that must have taken had Sheena wanting to know what else was going on behind Pearl’s neurotic exterior. Despite how their last interaction had gone, Sheena felt giddy at the thought of seeing Pearl again. Something about a dark night in a sweaty bar full of people always felt full of excitement and hope. She was half grinning ridiculously and half laughing at herself for feeling like a teenager who had never had a crush before when her bandmate called her over to the bar.

“What’s got you so happy, Punk?” her bandmate asked, calling her by her derby name and jostling her with a playful hip bump. “Is your new lady coming along tonight?”

Sheena’s grin faltered. “I don’t know; she was having a bit of a crisis of confidence last time I saw her.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. I hope we get to meet this gem soon. It’s not just anyone who gets you looking like the cat who’s got the cream!”

Sheena laughed. “I guess I’m hopeful.” A fresh set of butterflies started up as she considered how she would feel if Pearl did not show. It was easy to feel optimistic while she was in happy surroundings and with friends, but who knew how Pearl was feeling. Sheena was confident that Pearl could take more control of her life but Pearl did not seem so sure. And even if she did there was no guarantee that any new steps Pearl might take would involve Sheena. 

“Fingers crossed for you then!” Sheena’s bandmate replied as she passed her a beer. “Come on, we’re up!” There was no more time for wondering what the night would bring as they made their way back to the stage to play for the gathered crowd. 

Sheena collected her bass and took up her place at one side of the stage. She felt the familiar thrill as they began to play – the energy and the words and the crowd never failed to lift her up. 

However, as they blasted through their opening song, Sheena became aware that she had a perfect view of the door into the bar. Her eyes kept returning to it, despite repeatedly bringing herself back to the music. At one point her bandmate threw a capo at her when she missed a cue to join in with the vocals, having gone on autopilot as she stared at the door, straining to see a flash of peach hair. She was annoyed at herself for the jolt of relief she felt at the couple of times she thought she did.

After several songs, the bar had become closely packed and Sheena could no longer see the back of the room clearly. She attempted to put Pearl of her mind by trying to bring herself back to the present. She felt the thick strings under her fingers, the bass vibrating through the floor, the rising humidity in the room, the dazzling lights hot on her skin. She eventually found herself getting lost in the music, though her playing was somewhat lacklustre compared to her usual performances. And so it was with a jarring off-note that Sheena spotted an unusually light figure hovering in the door at the back.

Seeming to be too bright for her surroundings, like she too was under a spotlight, Pearl was standing defiantly with her hands on her hips, arguing with the doorperson. The crowd shifted and blocked Sheena’s view once more and suddenly she felt their set could not end soon enough. 

Sheena did not see Pearl again by the time it was finally over, though she was no longer in the doorway. Her bandmates looked across in surprise as Sheena hurriedly stashed her guitar and rushed into the crowd. She tried to hold down the question of whether Pearl wanted to keep seeing her or not as she wove her way through and reminded herself that what Pearl really needed in her life was a higher priority than Sheena’s crush. She craned her neck to look for her.

When she eventually found her, Pearl was chatting politely with a heavily pierced and tattooed woman. Pearl had a drink on the table in front of her. Sheena was confused for a second before she realised that the woman must have bought her it – of course Pearl was popular here.

Pearl startled upon seeing Sheena approach. The tattooed woman smiled and said, “Oh, here she is! I’d better leave you two to it. Nice to meet you, Pearl,” before making her way back to the bar.

“Hey,” said Sheena, sitting on the chair opposite Pearl.

“Hello!” said Pearl, sitting up straight and waving awkwardly.

“How’s it going?”

“Oh, I’m fine! Did you see that woman? Humans find so many inventive ways to modify their forms!”

Sheena laughed nervously. “Yeah, they do. So, uh, how have you been since…?”

Pearl looked down. “I –” She frowned. Sheena bit her tongue, trying to give Pearl the space to say what she needed to say without jumping in to reassure her. “I…” began Pearl again, staring hard at the table. Then she leapt up, knocking her chair over, and shouted, “I can do it! I can take control of my own destiny!” Pearl climbed onto the table and stood grandly with a broad stance and her chest puffed out, gazing proudly into the distance.

“I am going to dive into the unknown, with only my wits to guide me! Without no tool but my own form, I will forge the next era of my life on Earth! In the complete and utter absence of precedent, I will – oh, yes, sorry, sorry,” said Pearl, as the doorperson started to come over to get Pearl down from the table. “I can manage perfectly well myself, thank you,” she said primly as she stepped down. The doorperson retreated back to the door and Pearl looked a little embarrassed. Sheena could only watch in speechless surprise. 

Pearl gathered her chair from the floor and sat back down, leaning across the table with her eyes bright and animated. “I already _have_ changed my life. In lots of ways, several times. Every time I went into the unknown, even when I had someone leading the way, _I_ was determined to change, _I_ failed and tried again and again, _I_ made a new life for myself. Even though now I have less guidance than ever before, I never knew how things would work out back then and I suppose it’s not so different now. I already _know_ I’m adaptable and strong.” Pearl punctuated her speech with dramatic hand gestures, ending in slamming her hands down on the table in a show of resolution.

Sheena drew a breath while she tried to think of a response. Before she could, Pearl continued, now in a calmer tone. “I don’t always find it easy to remember that I am adaptable and strong, rather than only Rose or Garnet or Steven. I thought that not knowing what to do without such clear guidance meant that I wasn’t capable of finding out,” said Pearl, her zealousness gone, now looking across at Sheena with wide eyes. Sheena thought she looked like a rabbit caught in headlights, in the moment of fear before they remembered to run.

“You helped me see that it is OK if I don’t know exactly what to do next. I always thought people like you, or Rose, had something I don’t, some certainty about what you wanted. But that’s not always true, is it?” Pearl continued.

“Fuck, no!” Sheena laughed, letting go of the breath she hadn’t noticed she was holding. She was relieved that Pearl seemed to be able to see this now.

“So I’m ready. I am ready to figure out my next chapter of life on Earth, even though I have no idea what I’m doing! Ha!” Pearl looked almost surprised at herself.

“Congratulations! Welcome to the glorious mess,” said Sheena, smiling nervously. Pearl hadn’t mentioned anything about where Sheena might fit in with all this but she knew she couldn’t ask, not when this was so new to Pearl.

Pearl beamed back. “Thank you, Sheena.”

“Huh?” The next band had started up and they had to lean in across the table to hear each other.

Close to Sheena’s ear, Pearl repeated herself without raising her voice. “Thank you, Sheena.”

“Oh, uh, no problem,” said Sheena, fussing her hair into place. “If there’s one thing I know about, it’s that figuring your shit out is complicated.”

“Yes, it does seem that way…” Pearl looked away and Sheena felt her heart begin to sink. 

“I’m glad for you, Pearl, really. I’m glad I could help. Er... It’s cool if you don’t –” Sheena began.

“I have some idea about one thing though,” Pearl cut across. She met her eyes. “I want to be here, at this very loud human gathering, with you.”

* * *

After they had spoken on the beach, Pearl had stayed there for hours after Sheena left. Eventually Amethyst had been sent to fetch her back to the temple. Pearl had quietly pondered on what Sheena had said over the next few days, prompting Steven to ask if she was alright several times.

Something had changed. She had seen the remaining limits on her life and she couldn’t unsee them. Like Sheena had said, understanding did not come to her as one great epiphany. Rather, it came like a series of cogs clicking softly into place. First had been realising that she was still somewhat held back, subtly but distinctly. Then the painful acceptance that she really did want something more. She didn’t know what exactly, but she knew she wanted to move through this post-Rose life on Earth as herself and not as a shadow of all her past selves. Pearl had remained in limbo for a few more days, knowing she wanted this but believing that she was incapable of reaching it, until she tentatively allowed herself to think that she might be wrong about that. Piece by piece, she reconsidered the evidence and saw what Sheena had sensed already: that Pearl had been instrumental in her own life up to this point and now she was ready to take herself forward.

Nudging Pearl through this was her persistent desire to see Sheena again. Her infatuation had taken hold and would not let her abandon this line of thinking for more than a few hours. Every time she had swung back towards thinking that she would be better off keeping to the life she knew, a stab of thwarted joy was never far behind. 

By the time the night of the gig had come around, Pearl had not only pep-talked herself into a state of agitation but had the bubbly nervous-excitement of seeing Sheena again. Outside the stark block that housed the bar, the muffled sound of buzzing guitars and clashing cymbals had come though the walls into the night air. A full blast escaped every time the door opened. Pearl had paced back and forth outside. Although she had come to the bar with a solid conviction that she was going to start taking control of her life’s direction, literally taking such steps felt terrifying.

Her eventual bold march through the door was somewhat anti-climactic as she was immediately stopped by the doorperson demanding she prove that she was over 21 years old. Still full to the brim with purpose, Pearl launched into a rant about how she had seen multiple human civilizations rise and fall over the millennia until the doorperson had admitted defeat and waved her through. And suddenly there, lit up on stage, was Sheena.

* * *

“I want to be here, at this very loud human gathering, with you.”

The room felt oddly quiet for a second until Sheena broke into a wide smile and the music came rushing back. Sheena jokingly pumped her fist in celebration. “Yes!” said Sheena. Pearl raised her eyebrows, her face unreadable, and Sheena looked contrite. “I mean, er, it would have been OK if you didn’t! What you want is what’s really important here.”

“It would have been a shame for you to miss out on all of this though,” said Pearl, flicking her hair with a flourish of her fingers and looking smug.

“Oh! Not fair!” Sheena went to give Pearl’s shoulder a gentle shove for teasing her but before she could Pearl quickly leaned forward to pull Sheena into a kiss. After an instant of surprise, Sheena kissed her back, unable to help smiling against Pearl’s lips between kisses. The awkwardness of the table between them was ignored as they tried to press their faces together as best they could. Pearl, for her part, could not have cared less about their awkward positioning. She felt only relief and happiness at all that this clumsy, messy, imperfect kiss meant for her.

When they came apart again, Pearl’s hands were sticky from leaning on the table. She looked at her palms with distaste and forced whatever it was away from her form while Sheena laughed. “Hmm, this diving into the unknown has been a mixed success so far,” said Pearl, scowling. Sheena only laughed again as Pearl shuddered at the thought of everything that could be been on the table’s surface. The, remembering something she had been excited to tell Sheena, she said, “Oh! I did think of one other thing I want to try!”

“Oh yeah? I’m sure I can show you an Earth-skill or two,” said Sheena, with an exaggerated wink.

“I think you’ll find I have plenty of experience in that area, thank you,” countered Pearl. “No, I want to study space!” said Pearl, bright with enthusiasm. “I decided to look into Earth’s astronomy studies. I was testing out your suggestion to go out and try things without knowing how they’ll turn out, as a practice run,” said Pearl, blushing for the first time of the evening, “and that seemed like a good place to start.”

“That’s great!”

“It turns out that there are several large errors in the astronomical charts that humans have developed, though I suppose they’ve done the best they can with the technology they have. But since space is something of a speciality of mine, I thought I could help! Look,” Pearl drew a rolled up sheaf of paper from her gem and Sheena tried to cover her shock, “here’s a map of all the discrepancies I’ve identified so far and a plan for how to repurpose current Earth technology to properly study them.” She pointed at a shaded area on the map. “I’ve always wondered what that dark patch was, I was never able to go there, but now I could find out from here!” Pearl blushed again as she realised how over-excited she sounded. “Anyway, it’s just an idea, maybe it’s silly. I guess I’ll find out how that works out!”

Sheena took Pearl’s hand. “No, that sounds fascinating,” she said, sounding genuinely interested. “I’ve never been great at science but the way you explain it makes it sound so exciting. So how are you going to reuse human technology then?”

Pearl paused as she felt her eyes prick unexpectedly. She had come up with new ideas to do new things that no one else could have done in quite the same way. This bold human woman, who had no obligation to do so, wanted to hear them. The same woman whom Pearl hadn’t been able to get out of her head and who was as fascinated by Pearl as Pearl was by her. Pearl felt a giddy lightness threaten to spill over into joyful tears, but she managed to gulp them back so that she could launch into an enthusiastic account of her plans instead.

* * *

Pearl and Sheena eventually had to move outside to continue their conversation where it was quieter. They had sat on the ground, backs against the vibrating wall of the bar, talking in the dark. Pearl felt energised and renewed, her anxiety gone. She knew it would undoubtedly come back to her many more times in the future but right now she felt so confident and hopeful that she was certain that she would be able to handle whatever her life might bring.

They had been sitting together without speaking for a while, Sheena’s arm around Pearl, content in each other’s company, when [the music changed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdmD70OCx94/) as the next band took to the stage. 

“I love these guys!” said Sheena. “Do you want to go back in and dance? Wait, do you dance?”

“I am an excellent dancer!” said Pearl. She knew that her style of dancing probably was not quite what would be expected at a night like this, especially judging by what she had seen at the gig when she had first met Sheena, but she felt ready to take on anything tonight.

Back inside, the bar was packed. Sheena held Pearl’s hand and led her through the crowd to the front. The music was energetic and upbeat, a mix of emotional swells and cathartic outbursts. They carved out a small space for themselves to dance together. Sheena smiled at Pearl’s graceful dancing style and pulled Pearl towards her by her waist. The sight of Sheena lit up by the stage lights behind her, the sharp awareness where their bodies met at their hips and the music crashing over them meant that Pearl already felt high on emotion and sensation when Sheena leaned in to kiss her. It all felt so new and so right and so _good_. The next songs passed in a tangle of dancing and kissing and laughing when the jostling crowd broke them apart.

“This is our last song! Thanks for being an awesome crowd,” shouted the band’s lead singer. “Let’s see some more action down the front for this last one!”

The urgent opening notes of the song played and the crowd packed in close to the front, a few people struggling not to fall on to the stage area. The beat picked up pace; as it reached a peak the crowd began to jump and a pocket of people slamming into each other formed. 

“Want to get in there?” asked Sheena. “I reckon you can handle it!” Pearl nodded eagerly, determined to try everything tonight, and squeezed past Sheena to throw herself into the writhing, joyous mass. Sheena laughed and followed her in. Pearl threw herself against people, was spun and knocked about and occasionally caught hold of Sheena to grasp her in a tight hug before being swirled away again. Something about holding her own in the chaos, even revelling in it, felt freeing and Pearl danced and jumped with elation with Sheena as the music played on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then Pearl went on to become an astronomy professor, the end.
> 
> It was a real challenge for me to write a multi-chapter romantic fic and I'm pleased I managed it, even if it isn't perfect. I hope you liked reading it! I find writing emotional stuff difficult, so (gentle!) constructive comments or advice would be OK on this work. And comments are great in general! :)
> 
> I will most likely post a separate E-rated single chapter follow-up to this at some point, so look out for that if that's your cup of tea!


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